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The Life of ME

Saturday, May 17, 2008

11:06PM - A Year.

So I never EVER check my livejournal, because there is something kind of narcissistic about it (since I am the only person who reads it anyways. I think all of my friends gave up their accounts a long time ago). However as fate would have it, this week makes exactly a year since I have updated my journal. A year ago I was working for the Chemistry Department and since it's May..let's see...I would have been closing down the previous graduates and putting their files away in "non-active" and prepping for the international students' incoming. It takes a lot of government paperwork and I have to find them housing. That sounds pretty boring.

This year in my I have just turned in my thesis and must defend it on Tuesday. I still have to write one more paper and finish up some classwork in order to get my degree on time so I can prep for starting IArts in the Fall. Somewhat less boring.

Unfortunately today was not a very encouraging day. Actually this has been a very discouraging week that has made me miss my old job very much. There I could write plays and design costumes and read books practically whenever I wanted. I made a freaking costume database and designed a theater for goodness sake (complete with coffee shop...don't ask)!! Now it just feels like the unclimbable mountain. Like it wouldn't matter how hard I tried I wouldn't be able to be satisfied with my work. But instead of saying "who cares!" and going out with my friends (all two of them) I am going to read a theory book or maybe catch up on my plays.

You know what I keep thinking about? The beginning of senior year. Before the Cabaret fiasco. Before Dance Concert and the trouble. Before Emily. I think about going dancing with the girls and John at the Foam Dance and really letting loose. Laughing hard and feeling really alive (and if you have ever been to a good foam dance, you know your life is always slightly in danger). I think about my first date with Cody and how I had a panic attack before I left. You see, I was 21 and had never really kissed someone. Not really. I feel like Cody should send you a thank-you note or something. And that was an awesome concert. Oh the blood in the crowd. And a really REALLY good first kiss. I've been coming back for more ever since. And for some reason that I can not explain, I really miss Frank. He kind of became this point of eagerness for me. He was eager to speak to me and willing to listen, even if he did stare at my breasts alot. Somehow it was the first time I had ever felt sexy and smart/respected at the same time. Who would have thought Frankie had that kind of capacity? Not me, that's for sure. Always a surprise that one. Not as surprising as Courtney, though. So many layers to that one, and I had only scratched the surface before we were parted forever, it seems. Same with Jen (JP). So much there, so little time...much of it wasted on schoolwork.

These are only the things that have recently struck me. There are a great deal more that kind of linger in the back of my mind all the time, but hopefully they will never need to make it on paper because I will never forget them. Graduate school, it seems, has lost its childhood. No one knows how to have a good time anymore. I want my Spring Breaks back.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

11:15AM

I'm bored. Very bored. I miss my friends very much at moments like this. I also feel strangely inarticulate, and I'm not sure why. I'm reading this book called Wild at Heart and I feel this sudden urge to go out and climb a mountain. I'm not sure if that is the desired response the author was going for, seeing that I am a girl, but I can't seem to help myself.

*pause

Nope, nothing is coming. It's like no one is home in my head. I have no deep emotions or interesting responses to outside stimuli. I'm just....*sigh.

Somebody should punch me in the arm. I think that might help. I wonder if I'm going to end up living my life in some kind of cubicle or another. An Office is just a larger cubicle with a door after all. Is that all we have to look forward to? I hope not. I want to stand on a piece of ground with a name I can't pronounce because I've never heard it spoken aloud. I want to feel the mountains when they touch the sea.

I should stop watching the Planet Earth series now, because I think the whole thing is going to my head.

Current mood: indescribable

Friday, March 16, 2007

9:40AM

When I open up the LiveJournal website, I can smell Berry. I can feel the way the sun feels through the Ford Building windows and the brush of yellow dust as is floats past me on a wind coming from the Mountain. It's Springtime and a time of renewal, but I can't help but feel a little bit old. On the other side, there is something remarkably satisfactory about an 8-5 job with a retirement plan and room for advancement. I like knowing when I will get home and that I can leave my work in this building and keep it seperate from the things I actually want to do. It's very freeing.

But then out of the stillness rises the question...What do I want to do? I have free time for the first time, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I think I wasn't made to have free time. It's just not in me. There are whole hours in which I have absolutely no one to answer to but myself. But who is that? Who am I to make demands, anyways?

My emotions have, as a result of far too much reading and thinking, become increasingly extreme. I talk slower as well, but not in a bad way. I'm just thinking more and talking less. I can't tell you if I like it or not, it just seems to be happening around me. It's like the sunset or the sunrise. It's just a change in the rotation of the earth. Nothing to get excited about, because it keeps turning anyways.

Current mood: thoughtful

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

4:14PM

Once again the colorquiz is EXACTLY right. How embarassing


ColorQuiz.com Rachel took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Unwilling to participate and wishes to avoid all f..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.


4:01PM

I am sitting alone in my house on a Wednesday, which is what I do every day. I'm here so much that it's actally starting to creep me out so I turn on all the lights and lock doors alot. Especially when I'm taking a shower...which I seem to do less and less. I want this one set of jobs from the University of Tennessee, but no one is calling. Not yet anyways. Instead I fill my day with video games. I'm completely addicted. When I close my eyes, all I can see is the characters from the game. I actually try not to keep my eyes closed while i'm trying to go to sleep at night because it's so distracting. Weird, right? Well at least it keeps me from overeating. Because when I eat, I can't play. And that just won't work for me. It's not like I can't stop, it's just that I have absolutely NOTHING better to do and books can only keep your attention for so long. I though about teaching myself a new language like Latin or something cool like that. In fact, the only reason I'm on here right now is because my server shut down and kicked me off. Otherwise I would still be playing a quest to collect flints given to me by the Greenwatcher. Yes, that entire sentence actually makes sense to alot of people. I need some icecream, badly!

Current mood: disappointed

Saturday, April 8, 2006

12:19PM

I am fairly settled on the idea of going home in the Fall. I think that's where I'm supposed to be if I can take some seminar classes with Marianne Custer. I'm still trying to work out the possibilities. Hopefully, however, I will be able to learn a great deal next year from a master of design. Two masters, actually. We'll see. I think this is the best way I could possibly think of to prep for Grad School. However I am not as excited about moving home. That sounds to me like failure. But then again what's to point in finding an apartment I will only live in for...probably 7 months? Not much. most houses and stuff are on a year's lease. So now I need to start looking for a job in the Fall so I won't be doing nothing on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Satruday (Obviously the classes I want to take are on Tues. Thurs.). I don't really want to work retail. I have a BA, surely I can get a better job than that! We'll see, I suppose.

11:39AM


ColorQuiz.com Rachel took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.




So I've decided to make this a weekly thing, considering it's always right... okay maybe not the sex thing. Whatever... :)

Saturday, April 1, 2006

11:45AM

I am feeling quite content today, but I'm watchful of anyone who might want to play an April Fool's Joke on me. For some reason I do not take kindly to those in the slightest. Anyways I've been having a stressful week, but for the first time in a long time I have enjoyed the stress. I think that perhaps this tells me something: as much as I love designing a show, I do not enjoy doing it by myself. As much as I find stitching relaxing under certain circumstances, I do not find it relaxing past three in the morning. Also, I have learned that I'm a team player and am motivated by the presence and specific encouragement of others. So what does this information tell us?

This tells me that I am most suited for big houses. Something with more that one person on permenant staff. I doubt I will get one of those gigs anytime soon or that I will enjoy the luxury of having a compitent shop to construct my shows...well ever. But I can shoot for that goal since I feel that is where I should be. I am not self motivated or self confident. I don't like working alone. In short, I am a girl and I like to work with my peers to complete a show. That's half the fun!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

12:03PM


ColorQuiz.com Rachel took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and a..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.




So I took the color quiz again. Apparently it changes every time you take it. Weird. I'm a little disturbed at the whole colorquiz concept.

11:43AM

9:59AM

It's Saturday again. This is a busier Saturday than usual because Scapino is going up in a couple of weeks and I have to work in the Costume Shop in the afternoon. Also I am going to Bahama Breeze with my friends for Jess' 22 birthday. Happy Birthday Jess!!

I must take this opportunity to throw this question into the cybernetic abyss : What comes after you have said everything? When you have used all the words at your disposal? What comes after that? Where do you go? Is there a part of the heart that pleads beyond words...that pulls you forward even though there is no logical reasoning behind it? Okay I guess that was more like 6 questions. I'm done philosophizing now.

So tomorrow Hannah B and I are going to Gail Kaye's. It's going to be fun but if I don't find what I need there then I"m pretty much screwed because that's the last place. I just want a Managable Drape! Is that too much to ask?! Anyways it doesn't really matter because I haven't even started the mock up yet. Nor have I talked to Bri about it. I should definately get on that...now. Next week is pretty relaxed accept for Scapino and all of that. Then I'm going home to get my hair cut by a guy named Dave with bleach red hair. Scary. I could come back looking like an emo punk star so watch out. Other than that I would say that I"m pretty boring. I have recently discovered that I actually am not heartless, however. Who knew?

Current mood: anxious

9:54AM

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart
What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Friday, March 17, 2006

6:58PM

Tomorrow is my last day on the beach, but so far it's been an awesome week. I feel way relaxed and refreshed, though not quite ready to get back to school. The closer I get to graduation the more uncertain I am. I mean, I love what I do, but do I love it enough to dedicate my life to it? However now there is nothing I would rather do so I guess this is where I'm supposed to be. For those of you who don't know I'll be spending June and July in upstate New York. I am up for a job in VA, but we'll see. They have to check my references first. That could be slightly complicated because Ms. Alice isn't really known for singing my praises. We'll see.

So as for this week, it's been great. I spent the first half of it at Cody's house just hanging out. It was fun because I really enjoy his friends. Hopefully I"m not too weird for them, but at the end of the day I guess it doesn't really matter. Then Jess and I came down here to the beach. It's been totally mellow and great. I had forgotten how much Jess and I have in common because I haven't gotten to see her alot lately. I think she's grwon into an amazing woman since I met her freshman year and I'm proud to be her friend. I also met a great girl who is a sophomore named LeAnn. She's way fun. We're such a low-key group, however, that poor Megan can't find anyone to have any real fun with. Lindsay, John, and I are content to spend our nights eating old pizza and watching the OC. It's been real. I'll see you guys when I get back to GA!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

12:20PM

I'm at work and I've already finished the mailing. Now I'm just waiting until I have to go to the theatre and work on my collered shirt for a few hours. Then I"m headed down to ATL with my eventual goal on Tuesday being Destin.


ColorQuiz.com Rachel took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion wit..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.




Dang. This quiz makes me sound kind of crappy. I'm not really that dissatisfied, I promise. It's just a negative quiz....come to think of it I think this is the first negative quiz I've ever seen. Weird.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

12:04PM

Okay so I'm pretty much over this. I had a really nasty day yesterday...my costumes suck and I would prefer that no one come to see Cabaret (I'm serious too. I just don't want anybody there so we can pretend like this whole thing never happened). However, I am (in some small sense) proud of myself. Instead of taking the vast amounts of criticism and giving up, I stayed up until 5:30 this morning trying to make it better. On that note, Berry kids are amazing. So here's how it went down:

Some people made some comments about my ability to design a show at Shorter. I had already been questioning my ability to design costumes and had been all week. I decided I should instead teach High School English instead and cried for a couple of hours. So after I gave myself a massive headache I decided I couldn't quit and let Alice (and all my BCTC kids) down so I went to the theatre intending to work all night long. One of the things that happened yesterday is the often absent head of the theatre department at Shorter decided she didn't like one of my costumes and found a replacement to put in the show...without telling me. So I decided I would draft an entirely new KILLER dress and put it in the show instead. So I get up there and Kim is head dresser for Observe the Sons of Ulster. So she comes up to help me stitch and I totally lose it...because I'm cool like that. I was trying really hard not to be oversenitive and whiny but I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself on some level...that's probably something I need to work on.

So Kim is totally loyal and starts helping me draft on the form. Unfortunately I made her miss her que at intermission and they had to hold the show to make up for the loss of manpower. As a result Kim told the entire cast and staff what had happened to me and they were livid. Dr. Countryman even wanted to help. So I didn't know this and was suprised/confused when the entire cast sexually harrassed me (out of love, of course) and Keith proposed marriage. I was like "ummm...thanks?" But amazingly, Charlotte (the director of Ulster) and Robert (one of the actors) stayed until one in the morning helping me stitch! And Charlie went and got us all Taco Bell. Even Leslie and Courtney stopped by for a bit! Kim stayed all the way until 5 with me and I had to make her leave. She's going over there later today to do work for me as well becuase she's excited about the dress I designed for her to build. And what's more, I'm excited about it too! So that's why Berry kids are so awesome. So between Kim helping me, The Guys giving me a lap dance, Charlotte and Robert haphazardly stitching, and Cody ranting I feel very supported by my friends. Thanks so much, I love you guys!

11:58AM

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.
The Five Variable Love Test

Saturday, February 11, 2006

10:54AM

So I'm here at the alumni center again on this dreary Saturday morning. First Dress for Cabaret is exactly a week from today. Dance Concert Runs start on Tuesday. I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing, but I'm not really worried. In the grand scheme of things it's not all that important. As long as I graduate and can get my life off to a decent start like I want to do that's all that really matters in the end. It astonishes me the amount of people around me who are planning out families right after graduation. I cannot imagine trying to start a career and a family at the same time. One thing at a time, thank you.

So Katie has been on a kick about being a different person since she came to college, but not necessarily a better one in some ways. I think, perhaps I have grown distinctly as a person in college. Now I'm actually a person on my own and no longer a conglomeration of other people's opinions. That's something very new. Now I can actually look at myself for the first time in my life and imagine something better than the worst. Desiring something better than average. And I think that's a distinct improvement. However, can my self assertion coexist with the same standards and virtues as before? Does the shift from girlhood to womanhood require a shift in moral perspective?

What's interesting to me is seeing my Mom's opinion of me change and grow. Things that were certainly not okay for me in High School are acceptable for me now. I am thinking specifically of the time I went to a bar Downtown with all my crazy theatre friends in order to make connections in the UT Theatre department and mingle with the Board of Trustees. My parents trusted me to make the right descision. I think the same thing is true for Katie, only she had to fight for that right every step of the way.

However, I do not think that every decision I have made is a good one. Actually, a good deal of them have not been. Sometimes i think I would rather someone else were making my decisions for me and could therefore recieve the blame...but instead of berating myself I will choose to learn from my mistakes and move on. Try not to make them again. Also to remember the good decisions I have made and follow the path that those decisions have made for me.

Sorry for rambling, guys.

Current mood: scared

10:45AM

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.
The Five Factor Personality Test

Saturday, February 4, 2006

9:55AM

Everybody has good days and bad days, right? Is it possible they could happen simultaneously or am I the only nutcase here? After 18 hours of maticulous work on my tailored shirt (for Costume Construction Class), I recieved a rather disappointed look from Alice (who is suprised, really) for it's lackluster performance. In attempting to patch up my complete and utter failure I sat down and tried to fix my collar. Then I cut one of the sides 1/8th of an inch too short. And I started to cry. I didn't look at anybody (because nobody had noticed, thank goodness), I grabbed the box of tissues off the counter and walked to the bathroom down the hall...where I sat for a very long time.

Now, it might be true that I am just prone to crying. I won't deny that, I suppose. However, it seems to come up every once in a while and I don't even know why. Well that's not true. I do know why. I feel like I am about to graduate and have learned none of the skills I was supposed to in my four years at Berry. I might as well just start over again becuase I obviously am incapable of functioning in a real work environment. I feel like I'm trying to cram all the information that I need down my own throat and eventually I'm going to explode. I don't want much. I just don't want to be a disappointment on a daily basis...which seems to be the pattern I have created. It's like every day I do something else to make people shake their heads in horrer and disgust, but I'm trying so hard. So hard. I can't work any harder. I feel like a kid who makes a pinch pot for my mom and when I hand it to her i get "Well it's not exactly Micheangelo" in response. Then my pathetic work is shoved into a back shelf out of shame. That kind of senario occurring too many times makes me want to keep all of my "good" ideas inside so they won't be destroyed.

Or at least that's how I used to cope. My normal MO is to roll over and play dead. However as of late I've been like "HELL NO! IT'S MINE!" It's actually becoming a motif, I think. Instead of stopping myself, I seem to want to label my shows with my own personality even more...like I'm leaving a calling card or something. I think I get the "HELL NO!" from Cody and the "IT'S MINE" from De Wayne. Not sure really. So I'm driving to Atlanta today (after recharging my creative batteries last night with a little R and R) and I'm going to go ready. I am not defeated...not yet, anyways.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

9:39PM

Do you think it is possible for someone to change? I mean, really truely and deeply change? What does it mean to be forged in fire? Does one always come out better on the other side of a fire? or can it be the end of something better? innocence, kindness, meekness...

I am not a fighter. I am a natural born quitter. Always have been. Cody's a fighter. Astoundingly so, actually. I, however, am so blatantly not. When faced with adversity and negativity, I collapse. Every time I tried for anything in life, it always ended in horrible, humiliating failure that was witnessed by everyone I care about. I guess I considered it to be a part of my personality. Just the way I was meant to be.

But not this time. I don't know why, but I can't seem to want to give up. No matter how many people have told me otherwise (and trust me, the numbers continue to grow) I just can't seem to do it. Not this time. Not for anything.

Tomorrow at eleven I have a meeting with Jeanne. Forged in the fire is an understatement. I guess I'll give her the good news....gently followed by the bad news. I have to drive to Atlanta on Saturday so pray i can actucally find my way around this time. I'll see you guys on the other side of the fire.

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